Catholic School Stories

My high school had an old, senile librarian. Out of boredom created by an uneventful study hall, I made up a story about my friend urinating in an indiscreet corner of the libray. After dumping some warm mountain dew in the space I told the librarian the tale. Immediately she waddled down the hall to the Dean of Discipline’s office and told him of the horrid offense. For whatever reason, the Dean thought it might be true so he pulled my friend out of class, dragged him down to the library and the trio took turns smelling the liquid on the floor. If I recall correctly I believe the liquid was deemed to not be urine likely due to my friend’s strong objective remarks “WHY WOULD I PISS IN THE LIBRARY?” “DO YOU NOT SEE THOSE IDIOTS LAUGHING OVER THERE”. No detention was issued.

In grade school I heard one of my friends being overly dramatic in response to a poor score on a science test and mumble something to the effect of “I should just kill myself” despite NOT being suicidal in any capacity. I understand that suicide is not a funny subject but at the age of 13 it seemed funny to tell the teacher that I was concerned about my friend’s well being and that someone should really talk to him.  I apparently under estimated a teachers obligations to such threats because about an hour later I was called over the PA system to the office.  The principal asked, very solemnly, if my friend had mumbled those words.  After weighing the potential trouble I could get in versus the quality of the gag I decided to press forward.  (I also had the fact that he did say these words working for me….despite the fact that they were perhaps out of context) After planting the seed that he could be serious I was sent back to our classroom and told to send my friend down. I vividly recall sitting in my seat laughing uncontrollably thinking of what my friend was going through in the principal’s office.  When he came back a half hour later it would be fair to categorize his emotion has angry.  I thought he might punch me in the face as he walked by my desk. Fortunately he did not.  Apparently they had straightened everything out in the office but as a little cautionary tactic the principal pulled my friend’s mom aside and told her to keep an eye on her son.  I feel I should reiterate that I do not find the topic of suicide to be funny.

In high school I filled out an application to a small liberal arts college and went through the trouble of writing the essay. As writing an honest essay is no fun I filled it in with tales of abusive drunken parents, dark cellars of punishment, and, maybe most out of line, crackhead mothers. I turned the essay into the counselor who apparently does not read the essays before he mails them out. The application package made it’s way to the college admission officer who, needless to say, was not real amused. Missed a basketball workout for that one.

In 7th grade we had a basketball coach that was only 19 years old. After a less then stellar practice we made the poor decision to lock the young coach out of the building. While Coach searched in the snow for a way back in we all congregated in the locker room. As we were packing up our things a fist came crashing through the window accompanied with a message to the effect of “OPEN THE F!!!ING DOOR”. One of the braver souls on the team made his way to the door to open it. When Coach entered the door I remember the team moving in unison like a scared herd to the back of the locker room then bolting to the front as Coach made his way to the back to examine the carnage. Fortunate for all involved Coach was dating the AD’s daughter, because we ended up winning the league the following year.

I’m not sure if this is funny but in grade school I opened a stapler up and slammed it down in sort of a pitcher motion on the arm of a friend causing the temporary paralysis of his right arm. I recall him going back to his seat and saying cowardice remarks like “I can’t move my arm” and “I think I need to go to the hospital” then using his other arm to place his paralyzed arm on the desk. Personally, I think he was faking it. Regardless, the important thing is, I did not get in trouble.